A lawyer famous for defending people who wave knives about dangerously in public has called for the the wearing of stab-proof vests and chainmail to be made compulsory.
The lawyer, known as Mr Loophole – who has earned a reputation for getting those who aimlessly waft knives about near other people cleared of all charges – has said that in addition to abiding by all laws, the general public should also have to wear stab-proof vests and chainmail.
“Thanks to developments in technology knives are now much safer for the people who wield them,” Mr Loophole said. “The general public, on the other hand, are incredibly vulnerable and wearing stab-proof vests and sporting chainmail – which will cut down on deaths and injury – should be made mandatory.”
The millionaire lawyer is known as Mr Loophole thanks to his astonishing ability to clear knife-wielders of serious charges with the most extraordinary explanations or technicalities. In 2009 a man slashing with a samurai sword in a crowded shopping centre was cleared by a jury when Mr Loophole explained to the court that the man was simply pointing out directions to a confused group of Japanese tourists. And in 2011 a man waving a meat cleaver outside a school playground was again cleared thanks to Mr Loophole, who suggested that the man was simply hungry and doing ‘preparation slicing’ before cooking his lunch.
As Easy As Riding A Bike 
This is absolutely outrageous. How can Mr Loophole suggest stab-proof vests and chainmail without mentioning helmets and visors? Without these, should a blade lose control, somebody’s face could be inadvertently injured too!
Although, of course, really it’s the public’s own fault if they are injured by a knife whilst having chosen not to carry a knife themselves…
My preferred solution would be for the police to be able to issue offenders with mandatory jackets with “Warning, I run/walk/ride/drive (pick the appropriate option) like a complete bellend” in big letters on the back and front.
People would have to wear them for a minimum period of time (which could vary depending on the extent of their bellendedness) before reporting to their local police station to have them removed.
I’d start with the guy on a mountain bike this morning who had clearly decided that red lights don’t count if you cycle round them on the pavement, thus forcing me to overtake him 5 times between Tooting and Clapham, and the bloke on a motorbike beeping at me from behind just after Oval tube station, because apparently he couldn’t use the other half of a complete traffic lane to overtake my pedal-powered carcass on his 600cc Yamaha.
As I understand it red lights don’t apply if you pass around them (i.e. not between them) without crossing the solid white stop line. This allows a separate lane, perhaps for left-turning vehicles or buses, to bypass the lights. But cycling on the pavement is still, for the historical reason that in the late 1800’s a bicycle was classified as a carriage (so has to be ridden on the carriageway), a criminal offence.
Your annoying mountain biker decided to swap the offence of cycling through red traffic lights for the offence of cycling on the footway.
@ D. In fact, the solution would be to have a *much bigger* knife than other folk so that one’s own aimless wafting encouraged due respect for personal space.
“cyclists to be subjected to the same laws as motorists”
So motorists should be required to wear motorcycle helmets, and cars should have to be painted fluorescent orange or yellow… Actually that last one sounds half plausible. Can we start a petition asking the DVLA to make that a requirement for passing an MOT, for all new cars?
Happily the UK hasn’t made a legal requirement of helmets & hi viz for cyclists. Beware, though, because they pushed it through in Australia & New Zealand, crushing ridership overnight as people abandoned their bikes…
Crazy that these excuses were actually considered.
Chainmail will not stop a knife, anyway.